November the 11th.
It’s a date we have etched into our brains from the moment we’re born – in the build up to it, we buy badges and wrist bands, and use pins to attach poppies to coats. On the day itself, we wait until the hour strikes eleven, and we sit in silence, reflecting and remembering, thinking of those who died so that we could live.
This year, though, the date became even more significant to me – as it was the day that I got sectioned.
I have bipolar and, as well as having periods of depression, I experience mania. During these times, the world feels a much brighter place. I’m spontaneous, erratic and put myself in dangerous situations. The day I got admitted, I’d woken up with big plans: I was going to go to Blackpool to swim in the sea, and fly off a cliff (yes, I truly believed I had the ability to fly).
However, an anonymous tip off to the police stopped me in my tracks and I ended up being detained by them, and taken to hospital. A few hours later, I was put on a Section 2 (which is largely used for assessment and lasts up to 28 days) and taken to a psych ward.
As I write this now, on Day 37, I’ve been moved onto a Section 3 (which is used for treatment and initially lasts up to 6 months – but can be renewed) and, although I’m still not 100%, I truly believe (and desperately hope) I’m through the worst of it.
Recovering from a manic episode is challenging to say the least, and comes with a range of different difficulties. Here are some of the things I’m currently struggling with:
Exhaustion
Can you remember being a kid and being determined to pull your first all-nighter at a sleepover? You’d down cans of pop, and fill your belly with sugary treats in an attempt to stop yourself from nodding off. Sometimes it’d work – other times, not so much. But, when you did manage it, it’d feel like a huge achievement – until your parents came to pick you up the following day, explaining how you were off to spend the day with relatives – and ‘no, there wouldn’t be time for a nap’
Well, imagine having three weeks of nights like this… Staying awake all night – or only having one or two hours’ kip – and then not having the time or ability to catch up on sleep no matter how much you needed it.
Living this way is as tough physically as it is mentally and, as this particular episode comes to an end, it’s taking a long time to catch up on sleep. Despite snoozing eight hours last night, I’ve already had two ‘accidental’ naps today. I can’t seem to watch anything on the telly without nodding off, and I have no idea how I’m ever going to return to my job when I seem to be sleeping more frequently than a toddler. But, I’m trying my best to not think about things like work – but instead prioritise looking after my body.
Forgetfulness and Embarrassment
Ever woken up from a night out with absolutely no memories from the night before? Perhaps you first remember arriving at pre-drinks, or getting a taxi to a bar – but that’s it…
Well, that’s just a small glimpse of how it feels to come out of a manic episode.
Instead of losing memories from a couple of hours at a party, I’ve lost practically every single moment from the last five weeks. The doctor on the ward says it’s perfectly normal – but it doesn’t make it any less scary.
Linked to the lack of memories is embarrassment. I currently couldn’t tell you much about any of the conversations I’ve had with anyone – I can’t remember what I’ve done, or said to people.
I know for certain that at some point, early on in the journey, I made a TikTok account dedicated to my love for potatoes. There’s some pretty bad videos on it – and it’s something I’ll definitely be deleting. But, with that in mind, I hate to think of some of the other embarrassing things I may’ve done. I have no idea if I’ve upset anyone, or made them angry. It feels like I’ve had no control over my actions for several weeks now, and it’s scary.
Lack of personal hygiene
When your brain is going a million miles an hour, and you have tonnes of projects you need to complete, personal hygiene tends to go out of the window. For ten days, I wore the exact same outfit (a blue ‘party’ dress that I refused to take off, even when I slept) and wouldn’t have any form of a wash. I also stopped cleaning my teeth and wearing deodorant.
Eventually, a nurse appeared in my room, telling me I had to shower – no ifs, or buts. It’d been too long – and I needed to look after myself better. I’d reluctantly agreed, on the condition I could then change into another dress.
I also wore a Burger King crown on my head that I refused to take off. I’d seen it the day before I’d ended up in hospital, and had taken an instant liking to it. I became obsessed with wearing it at all times; it became smelly, greasy and started to fall apart. Luckily, a kind member of staff went out of his way to fetch a selection of new ones, bringing them onto the ward (even though it was his day off!)
Although my brain’s now slowed down, and I no longer wear a crown, I’m still finding it pretty difficult to remember to shower and clean my teeth. I haven’t brushed my hair in several days. But, I’m slowly getting better and I’m sure that soon enough, my showers will become much more regular.
Plus, this morning, I remembered to clean my teeth – so that’s something!
Feeling Flat and Low
‘Life is a rollercoaster’
No truer words have been sung than that by Ronan Keating. Life is indeed a rollercoaster – especially when it comes to bipolar. The highs are so big you feel like you’re reaching the top of the world’s tallest ride (note: it’s called Kingda Ka and has a 525-foot drop).
But, what goes up must come down again – and, no matter how much you want to avoid it, the highs can’t last forever. Eventually you’ll come crashing back down to earth – and it truly sucks.
I know that I’m coming out of an episode when I sleep more than two hours at a time, and my head feels quieter.
The world, which was once sparkly, now seems dull and flat. Instead of partying, I’m spending my time sleeping and trying to piece together what’s happened over the past month or so. I keep finding myself in tears, unhappy with this new world I’ve entered.
Thing is, it’s not even like I’m now in a depressive episode. But, because things were so high, moving to a more stable level feels like a massive tumble down and, whilst I know I’ll get used to it eventually, I’m currently at a stage where it feels very challenging.
Financial Implications
It can be hard to talk about money – but reckless spending can be a big part of mania. In my case, when I was at my worst, it felt a bit like I was playing a game of Monopoly – spending cash left, right and centre with no real regard for what I was doing. However, instead of buying fancy properties with fake bank notes, the money I spent was very real.
I don’t remember placing orders, but from looking at emails, I can see that I’ve spent hundreds of pounds on a whole array of items I don’t need – things like Venga Boys merch, disco lights, hundreds of glow sticks, and an inflatable dinosaur costume. I’ve placed lots of orders I’ve forgotten about, and my wife has been confused when she has yet again received another parcel containing something weird and wonderful.
I’m in a very fortunate position that my wife and I have some savings, so my actions haven’t caused us too much harm. However, I’m freelance, so I get absolutely zero sick pay – meaning it’s more important than ever that I’m careful with money – especially with the ever increasing cost of living.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with finances when manic – it only takes a quick Google search to see some of the ways it’s affected people – causing them to get into mountains of debt, losing their houses, and having their possessions taken away. It’s bad enough coming out of an episode feeling ashamed because of your actions – but adding on the loss of finances can be truly devastating.
So, what next?
My main focus right now is on recovery – whatever that might involve. I’m taking it slow – focussing on one day at a time. My mind and body have been through a lot, and I’m trying to be as gentle as I can be on them. I’m still in hospital at the moment, but hoping not to be for too much longer. But, whilst I am here, I’m doing everything I can to look after myself.
I know that, no matter what, I have it in me to get through it. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we’ll get there.
Note: I’ve decided to set up a Ko-fi account so, if for whatever reason, you fancy getting me a ‘coffee’, you can do so. I’ll always keep my blogs free – and there’s absolutely zero obligation to do so (in fact, I feel pretty bad mentioning it in the first place). But, here’s the link for anyone interested:
Charlie's Mind 
Thanks so much for this. I have a family member with BPD and this has helped to shed some more light on things they’re experiencing
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Very lucking too have family members.some don’t good luck
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Hi Charlie,
I have followed you on twitter for a while and was worried for you at the start of this manic period. I’m so glad you are getting help and have the support of your wife and family. I’m very pleased for the progress you have made and wish you continued improvement. I hope you get back home soon, we’ll and happy.
Take care.
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Hope that you’ll be fine soon. I also suffered from a persistent depressive disorder. The journey of the healing process is not an easy task. But just hang on you’re on a right track. In time, you’ll be fine because you’re doing your best to get better.
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Hi Charlie You have put into print the exact ways you have felt when going through the “episodes” and how you have coped during and afterwards. You will give a lot of people who are experiencing mental trauma quite a high degree of happiness. I’m so glad you have a caring wife to help you with your financial affairs and thankfully you are secure and debt free. Come on Charlie keep up fighting for your future good mental and physical health. Wishing you and yours a Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year.
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Thank you Charlie for being open about your illness. I feel more able to understand what happens. I wish you and Vicky the best for the future and hope you are both home together soon. Look after yourself and look forward to seeing your lovely smile during your walks again x
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I think this is a really insightful blog Charlie and has really helped me understand your condition. I hope you continue on your road to recovery and i wish you and your wife Merry Christmas 🎅
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I think you’re amazing. Keep the strength going. You’re nearly there.
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Charlie thank you for your honesty and willingness to share so publicly. Here’s hoping and praying you will soon be home with your wife 💕🙏
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Hi Charlie, thank you for the insight into your Mental Health, Im so glad you’re coming out of your manic state, keep up the good work, and take your time, no rush xx
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We hear a lot about Mental Health issues all over the place these days but hearing what it is like from the inside is never explained. Thank you Charlie for sharing your experience. Thanks to you I have a much clearer understanding of what is involved now and I truly hope you get back to your normal self very soon and get back to enjoying life.
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Keep doing what needs to be done. You have a wonderful ability to describe what its like in your shoes. Courage.
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It was very interesting to read your blog stay strong Charlie
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Wow Charlie what a fabulous human being you are; truly inspirational. Not having suffered anything like this myself I can’t even imagine how awful it is for you but thank you so much for sharing your journey. I’m sure your honesty will be so helpful to people in similar circumstances. Importantly, it gives those of us outside your world a view inside the life of those who experience life a little differently. I wish you all the luck in the world
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Thanks for sharing your story, which I hap-hazzardly came across on Twitter at the start of your manic period. You’ve helped me understand more about bipolar. You’re clearly trying so hard to deal with the condition and your mental health journey. I wish you all strength. Well done. Keep going.
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Hello Charlie.
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. I have a friend who is also bipolar who tells me the highs and coming out of them are worse than the lows for them for the exact reasons you have written about. Do as you are doing and keep taking each day at a time, if needs be take it an hour at a time. You have climbed many mountains this week and the last week, which is fantastic, try to embrace it when your body and mind needs to rest and recharge ready for the next climb. You are in the next leg of your journey, and you shall do it, with the help of those around you and at a pace that benefits you.
Take care.
Suzanne 💜
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Hi Charlie
You write so well and I’m glad you’re starting to get back to you!
Slow and steady wins the race – you’ll be there soon. Keep up the good work xx
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I really appreciate you being so honest about your journey on social media, I have Bipolar and am in awe of your ability to share such content, I struggle to talk about my experiences. Thank you for being so relatable and normalising what can be a v scary illness at times. Hope you get home soon!
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Thank you for sharing this with us. I have followed you on Twitter for a while and I’m so glad to hear things are looking better for you. You are an inspiration, even in your darkest of days you are educating people about mental health. Sending lots of love, Emma xxx
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So insightful. Your writing is so articulate and so glad to hear of your steady progress. I’m a fellow Parkrunner, a walker and also love the outdoors……and think you have a future side career in writing and sharing your knowledge and experiences. One step at a time. Hope your weekend is a peaceful one. X
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Beautiful words Charlie. I don’t know much about bipolar, only what is portrayed on tv, so thank you for sharing your story.
Like Sophie above, I came across your Twitter account at the start of your episode. I’m so pleased you are on the road to recovery and wish you all the best. Here’s hoping you’ll soon be back home with your wife.
Take care xx
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Hi Charlie,
This is like reading my own journey. It’s comforting, and saddening, to know that somebody else goes through it too. I don’t believe that I’m a strong person but you definitely are. All the best wishes in the world to you and keep on being you xx
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Hi Charlie,
I ‘found’ you on Twitter as you were trying to get to Hull to go to the Deep, and straight away was worried for you. It was difficult because I could see how happy your bubble was, but did find myself relieved knowing you were safe. I have looked out for you ever since and seeing your recovery path has been lovely to see that even on your most difficult of days you have seen it through with more patience and positivity than you realise. This blog has been wonderful to read as having your insight has given me a greater understanding. Thank you to both you and your wife for sharing with us, and know that even in the darkest times we are all with you and sending our love to you both.
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Hi Charlie. Like many have followed you on twitter for some time. I’ve suffered bouts of depression throughout my life and can relate to a good deal.of what you write. I truly admire your candour and openess. Thanks for posting and good luck with your continued recovery
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Hi Charlie
Thank you for sharing such an honest, insightful account of your recent episode and the progress of your recovery. It’s really good to hear that you’re making good progress and I wish you well over the coming weeks and months.
I have a son with OCD and have followed your journey on Twitter for a while now, and always find your successes so uplifting. Like many who admire your honesty and openness, i’m rooting for you and I’m sure that with the love and support of your wife, family, friends and followers, you’ll be back home soon 😁😁😁
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Hi Charlie,
So sorry to hear about this nightmare time.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I had no idea that was how it presents itself.
Hope to see you soon.
Happy Christmas and hope you’re feeling better.
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Talking always helps, sharing feelings, better out than in! Cherish your support especially your fabulous wife. The Samaritans are always there for you and we would welcome you to call. Keep improving and look after yourself sending love & healing x
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Thank you for sharing. Easy to say/write, one day at once. I’m so pleased you have amazing support. Wishing you well and sending strength and support.
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Thank you Charlie for sharing this blog. I was very worried when I read you were going to swim in Blackpool. I am so glad that someone took the time to call the police. Take your time to get better. You have a beautiful wife and a fantastic family to look after you. So much of your blog resonates with me. Happy Christmas to you and yours and a peaceful happy 2023 x
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Keep going Charlie, you’re doing sooo well!
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Thank you Charlie for sharing your journey. I too have mental health problems and used to be embarrassed talking about them. I’m pleased you’re making a recovery and your hospital seems ok. Get well soon x
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Thank you Charlie for highlighting a little understood disease process. I have several friends with BPD and associated mental health and notice things that I can’t put my finger on. You have put these into perspective and give a good picture of signs to look out for, even though every person’s experience is different. Keep well and keep writing. It’s people like you that take the stigma out of the diagnosis. Cheers to your wife, who seems to be a patient saint, to manoeuvre through this journey with you. Best wishes for a stable and kind Christmas. I feel it is this time of year when the rails come out from under the train.
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Thank you so much for sharing. Mental health is such an important topic that so few people care to discuss. I’m sure it is difficult to put yourself out there. But I truly believe you are helping those that read it. God bless you and only positive thoughts from Salem, Ohio, USA
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Quite good. Keep the strength going. Cherlie#1
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Hi Charlie
I think you’re amazing. Thank you for sharing your open and honest experience. I would have never known what the highs And lows actually feel like. I hope you feel better soon.
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Hi Charlie,
I’ve been a follower of yours for a few months now. I’ve always found your comments positive and I’d click the like button on them. I’m not sure if I even read your blog so I didn’t completely understand. I just knew that when you were getting out there walking it was big steps at times for you and I liked your Twitter posts for the fact that you got out there in the first place. This I feel was one: good for you, and two: good for others. You are helping so many people with your posts. I wish you the very best on your road to recovery. T.G. you are through the worst of it now. Merry Christmas to you, your wife and your pets. Take care 👍
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Hi Charlie,
I followed you on twitter before you had this episode, my interest in you was the fact you suffered with mental health like my partner. 4 years ago she left the house one morning and said something strange to me but before I could realise what she was getting at she had driven off. 6 hours later after many calls to her friends, her boss and the police she turned back up at home. When she left she had intended on taking her own life!! There were many unfortunate incidents in her life that had got her to this point. The reason I tell you this is because I never understood how she could feel like this, I am a very laid back guy nothing really bothers me and I just have a kind of cross that bridge when we come to it kind of attitude. Reading your blog today of how you’ve been over the last 37 days is really helpful to me, in my mind I don’t understand how you can just not take a shower but you’ve explained the journey so brilliantly that it has given me a little more understand of how mental health just takes hold of you. I probably haven’t handled all situations well with my partner but I’ve stuck by her and helped as best as I know. I will continue to follow your road to full recovery and I will learn as you heal. You are an inspiration I’m sure to many in your situation and mine and I wish you a safe and timely road to full health. 👊🏿
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Thank you for this blog. I had no idea how it felt and it has given many more people some much-needed insight into BPD. Bravo for your courage and best wishes for your recovery.
Clare
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Charlie thank you so much for sharing your journey. You are one special lady.
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Sorry you’ve been through this, but your article is balanced and really enlightening. Wishing you all the best with your recovery.
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For the first time ever someone has written what it’s really like for me.
Crying because I’m not alone and bipolar is so bloody isolating
Thank you Charlie x
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Dear Charlie,
Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through. You’ve written so eloquently and effectively, it’s eye opening for the realities of being bipolar. Thank you for making the phenomenal effort to share when it’s so hard. It’s wonderful to hear the recovery steps you’ve taken from this episode. You’re an inspiration!
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Dear Charlie,
Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through. You’ve written so eloquently and effectively, it’s eye opening for the realities of being bipolar. Thank you for making the phenomenal effort to share when it’s so hard. It’s wonderful to hear the recovery steps you’ve taken from this episode. You’re an inspiration!
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Hi Charlie,
It is so amazing that you have shared with us some of the struggles you go through. Thank you, sincerely. We all can learn a bit by such honest writing, because it is certain that no two minds or mental conditions are alike. BEST WISHES a for your steady recovery. MBH
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Just want to echo a lot of what has been said already. Thanks for sharing your journey so authentically Charlie. It makes a difference and you make a difference x
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What a great read. So many things here will resonate with lots of people. I have had friends/ colleagues / close relatives in same experience/ similar experience as you and it’s more common that most people realise. Well done for writing such an excellent piece. I read a lot and this is one of the best written pieces I’ve seen in some time. Great job.
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Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story, the view from inside bipolar is one that’s often shrouded in secrecy and embarrassment. I have friends who are bipolar and with your openness, I now feel that I can perhaps be a better friend to them.
I hope that you and the wonderful Vicky will be home together soon and with the love and support of your amazing family, you will continue to recover.
Sending you all love and hugs. X
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Interesting take on psychosis, I had an acute episode and spent 2 weeks in a psyc ward myself, as bad as the world around you can be hard but always focus on reality and not always what is going through your head.
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I have followed you for awhile now and check in every day on social media to see how you are,
You will get through this it may take time but ur get there and remember everyone is there for you
Take lots of care ❤️
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Hi Charlie, that’s a really good explanation of bi-polar highs. I really struggle with the memory loss too. All might not be as bad money-wise as there are ways to get your bank to write-off monies spent on a high and Martin Lewis is doing a lot around mental health and money. I hope you might be able to spend a few days at home over Christmas because ime psych wards are even more boring than normal over bank holidays, and the food even worse!
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Thank you for sharing this, Charlie. I’m a long-time Twitter follower, and you’ve been missed. You openness about your struggles and the perspective you provide are hugely important in terms of combating stigma and furthering our national conversation about mental health.
I hope you’re home soon and can put this episode behind you, while using what you’ve learned to move forward and guard against future challenges.
You have a lot of friends out here in the world, and every single one is cheering you on.
My love to you, your wife and your friends and family.
You can do this ❤️
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Hi Charlie,
I somehow stumbled across your Twitter account just before you were detained. I as am AMHP am frankly inspired by you! Your honesty in this blog is brave and raw, and it is individuals like you who are helping change society’s view on mental health.
You should be proud of how far you have come, and from what snippet I now ‘know’ of you is just the start!
Wishing you all the best,
Rachel
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Thank you for such a clear description of what you have been going through. Thinking of you and wishing you and your wife a happy Christmas.
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